You Know...?

1. You know that feeling when you know you are just fucked up and always be like this still you read a book titled- Life is what you make it..?

2. You know that feeling when you hate everyone because no one really loves you because you're disgusting or maybe not?

3. You know that feeling when you, YOU are missing something/ someone and your brain says no need to miss them still you feel miserable?

4. You know that feeling when you think your heart is a shit stuffed bag of tears?

5. You know that feeling when you feel you've faked everything all your life, that you've pretended coolness, happiness, bindaasness for so long, people actually detest you if that armor cracks once in a while, and they move on to the funny people of the moment then. You know?

6. You know that feeling when you just want to drink and drink and drink some more, and then go out and tell everyone what you actually think of them, that they're hot and you want to kiss them, that they're cute and you want to kiss them, that they suck and you want to gaand pe laato them, that you're awesome so please love back?

7. You know that fearful feeling, when you get eve-teased by three bikers and shout back "madarchod" in tashan, but you know you're fuck scared and rape may happen any moment?

8. You know that feeling when your scalp starts bloody bleeding because of winter dryness and people notice and tell you about it?

9. You know that feeling when your crush gives you nothing but a bored "hey" but a gives a handshake with full fledged smile to your cute friend.

10. You know that feeling when you discover, suddenly, that food is not making you happy any longer, and that appetite is dying and dying sand dying?

11. You know that feeling when you just want to hug your mother and just live in the warmth of love and validation?

12. You know that feeling when you fear being judged?

13. You know that feeling when the person you've loved the most all your life, the person you've shared everything with, the person who knows your real self like no other, when that person turns out to be nothing but an illusion, a farce, and suddenly everything is lost?

14. You know that feeling when you're crying in the night, fearing someone whose special to you starts avoiding you any moment, wondering what you can do about it?

15. You know that feeling when there's no love anywhere?

16. You know that feeling when you're so devastated only God can help?

17. You know that feeling when you're just painfully, intensely, unusually, sad?

18. You know that feeling when you want to drink and drink and drink and DRINK?

19. You know that feeling when you want someone with you, someone who's like you, someone who loves you even when you're a solitude-loving, boring, non-risk-taking, cribbing, crying, idiotic, bitchy, stabby, messy, dirty-minded, desperate, selfish, non-fun-loving, shanti-loving,money-loving, ambitious, jealous, dark, unfunny  because that probably what you really are?

20. You know that feeling when you're a total stranger to your own self, your activities are dictated by some manipulative corner of your brain, you cannot love anyone, no one loves you, everything is dhokha, naatak, etc etc?

You know?

Addicted..!

Yes, I am addicted to my friends. 

I feel happy when they are around. 

Stupid chats, nonsense conversations ,may be they are just killing their time by doing this.

                    They say :- " Sometimes Nothing To You Means The World To Someone Else!"

                                       

                                         And yes, They mean the world to me. I find my happiness in theirs because i myself don't have any damn reason to be happy on this earth. Just because i have them in my life i feel Life is worth living, they make me smile in my worst mood.

“Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.”

But the question is if one day these angels will fly away. What would i do... ? 

They have their own life, own problems. When they are having tough time with their loved ones,whu would be there for me... ? to make me feel better, make me smile.....................? 

                                 

                     Mere a thought of not having them by my side shakes me up from inside. They are my drug and i need a daily dose of them.

                        

God if you are listening then- Please..! stop it...I don' want to loose my drug bags and i can't afford to have new ones..!

    I am feeling tired,restless as if i am not being able to breathe properly., but the sad thing is i am still alive..!

Running and all that trash..!

I've been running from no one or nothing in particular but I just seem to be running from the truth, from people , from myself.Maybe I think too much into things, maybe its not true at all, maybe I just don't see the sunny side of things. I don't know I just don't feel happy. Like , nothing really makes me happy anymore , no goal to work towards, no event to look forward to and no satisfaction of something well done. Stuck in a rut? Maybe.

    Hundred things to worry about and hundred questions to answer to various people. Why? Why should I answer anyone's questions , My Life and My Decisions. Doesn't work that way. No one literally NO BLOODY ONE bothered to tell me growing up would be THIS Bad.

I feel talking to anyone is too much work so I don't .  I just talk to those who really matters. I feel doing just about anything is too much work.

In school when they used to ask what would you like to be when you grow up , I would say something new everytime , and maybe that is exactly the problem. I want to do too many things and so I am never happy where  I am , no but seriously who is happy about  doing maths stuff. :\ . I was never into this rubbish typical BanK jobs. My dreams were way too hattke. 

Okay..! Now then when i am option-less i am doing it  but sometimes i feel it won't work for me. And then i think may be  somewhere down the line it will all magically make sense. Ahhh.! Tired of this may be may be not ... i need a break seriously dude i need a long break from this life.

It's not that i don't have time for myself. May be i need someone to make me feel good about myself.

It's obvious i don't have much time to say "22 tak padhayi 25 pe naukri ..chkra ..shaadi bachee nd all then maut ka intezar" ? ( i know typical ranbu fan typz )

Running out of time, I literally have to steal some moments for myself.

Remember that awesome poem we had in school ,  I used to love it ..! :D

What is this life if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare?—

No time to stand beneath the boughs,
And stare as long as sheep and cows:

No time to see, when woods we pass,

Where squirrels hide their nuts in grass:

No time to see, in broad daylight,
Streams full of stars, like skies at night:

No time to turn at Beauty's glance,
And watch her feet, how they can dance:

No time to wait till her mouth can
Enrich that smile her eyes began?

A poor life this if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.

                                       -W.H.Davies

A Dilemma-tic Situation..!

And then you will get to know....in actual who genuinely loves you for who you are..! 
Not because you look good..because you are having an attractive physique,but because you have a heart, filled with Love.
Your physical attributes doesn't effect them..and if it does.. then you very well know... what to do.
Yes..! I always say listen to your heart but that doesn't mean you choose to get hurt every time. As experience says itself you get nothing in the end but hurt yourself by listening your stupid heart.!
Sometimes you see the things ... you should believe it and accept it as they are..!
No matter how creepy you are feeling about yourself....that is it (face it.. coz you have got a not so good face)..
Shit happens you never thought of things will happen that way ever. Cry, cry some more.. But again.. eventually you will get over it..! :-) Don't let the harshness over come you (thats what evil spirits want :/ ).. always have a heart filled with love. ..
           Take care..!

Hmmmmmmmm..!

Main hoon Gumsum..Tu bhi khamosh hai..sach hai samay ka hi sab dosh hai...!                                    Yeah..! Thats what i am listening to right now. Nice track from movie talaash..No..?Damn, what the heck i am writing..? I mean yaar ... I want to write. No really, I want to. But there is not a single inspiring thought and I think my vocabulary has suddenly given up on me too.                                 
 
  So now all I do is constantly change how my FB profile looks instead of actually writing something. I know real smart i am. Duh..!  But the thing is that no one knows about my blog what my blog is or looked like thus no one ever asked me why I don't blog anymore. wow..Point...? Stupid, you started writing for yourself only to vomit rubbish feelings here ? not to get famous.. Remember...?                                *tiding*          Oh Oh Oh..! haan such.. :P Okay then i am not famous :/ but then who i am? :o Kidding yaar :P I'm telling you I am mental. Its a happy paradox. B-)                                                                        In other news I am currently doing Nothing, though I am supposed to be studying.Must get back to studying. >.< Not really yaar..! Don;t be so harsh on yourself gurl..its just a matter of stupid exam.. have fun... B-)Awwww..! thats really sweet of you...Thank you ..! You complete me *does the celebrity wave* ..!
                                                        :P :P :P :P :P

Pathetic Stuff..!

Warning- Don't Read this Everrrrrr...........!! (Sona ,you are adding this after feeling better about yourself so if you don't want to feel pathetic again Don't read this Stupid >.<..!)

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Again this is coming to me..damn..!!And this time i am not really being able to be reckless to this feeling.Trying hard, hoping now after vomiting all this shitty feeling here on blog i will be relieved from this. I Know its not healthy, to carry this feeling inside me. Feeling of "Why Me".....?                                                Of course, I know i should not or i would say,I do not need a reason to be angry with God. Thats the way it is or it has to be. Life is unfair sometimes to someone. And GOD had chosen me. But  again naaaa.. :( Why ME :/                                                                    After all i never did any crime or any sort of this much bad thing that god decided to punish me like this.I didn't even had enemies. Yes, I used to get jealous,ranted cursed and sweared sometimes but suffering with this illness..?  Its nowhere near to this. If i correctly remember,i never made anyone suffer this much worse. Then why I am one of God's Chosen? Ohhh..! the unlucky me wow...! >:( damn hate being God's special child. I mean who would like to be special in this way..? We are meant to enjoy our lives na..? Thats what Jesus said na..he wants us to enjoy life he has given to us. But what kind of life i have..? :'( How can one enjoy this..? There is nothing to enjoy. Its dark, lonely having not a single beautiful moment with no chances to have it in future. No, what were you thinking..? I too had dreams in my eyes, Now there are only tears left. Tears of failure, tears of not being like others, tears of 'why everyone around me is acting weird'? At least love me the way i want to be loved, sympathy love is painful to bear.                   What a cruel joke it is, when i can't be part of something beautiful happening around me,why it has to be in front of me. Its not that i am jealous of others Happiness but i feel bad about myself na.. :/ Why didn't you think of this while giving me this Sclero thing? haan? >:(                     Duhh..! Whatever, i will see you Mr. God ..! I have a MAGIC POWDER, will take it and this pathetic feeling will vanish B-) . Pull up your socks and get ready for giving me a bad day again :/ because i know you na... You won't stop it... :/ But you know what?Considering, GOD knows it all. Lemme tell you one thing,You don't know me well enough B-)I have this unlimited supply of MAGIC POWDER..! Have Fun in making your sweet plans for me ;-)                                                    Sincerely, Your special Child :/ 

Something Latest........!

Argh, Back after so long, More then a month or so. No, its not that i didn't get time for my blog or i was too busy to think what should i write. In actual i was running from myself, my thoughts. I was finding blogging more difficult than the actual exercise i have to do. Anyways.. now i am here slogging through keyboard and I think i should make it bit more intersting no?. ... how about giving it a name.?..a cool one...? YES..! 

 Ummm, my dear Blogwati.. :) 

You know na..? Waking up in the morning has never been a pleasant thing. Its more of something that I have to do. (I wonder how would she know...?! O.o.. 5 mins before she didn't even exist :P ) The idea of passing the whole day pretending I am fine and supercool with everything around me, tires me sometime. Passing the whole day trying to divert mind just so that i don't end up lying in bed all day long, not speaking to anyone, seeming to be lost in thoughts only to let people wonder what's happened to me.( As if they gonna understand what i am feeling >.< )

I don't know for how long i have to be like this but tired of hating my life eventually somewhere I have started loving it.! ( i know i am weird :/ )  Used to hate the nights... Dark scary lonely.Sleep was nowhere around few months back all my night hours i have spent crying crying and crying some more. Have never been that introvert but that time things were messy, nothing seemed enough to cure anything or make me feel that good. and Miraculously,I never really understood when actually did I start feeling most happpiieeeeeeeee.

Now, I wake up fighting the urge to sleep more. More and more.. But I wake up, anyway. Pass the whole day doing what comes along. Even the smallest thing, such as keeping my desktop clean makes me happy.Moreover i have started studying also :) (or atleast i am trying to do so :/ ) 

The evening.(@facebook :p)  And then the night(@cozy cozy bed :P)! ...

The night and the stars in the sky. The stars that accompany the cold wintery breeze that awakens my heart and soul. And my love SLeeeeeP  is back to me ..! :)

 There is sadness inside, as far as I know but the night brings along something that makes me feel awesome about it... :) Hate to wake up in morning but i loved love and will always love "Wake up sid" ........! 

                                   Does it make any sense to you..? 

                                                      Well who cares..! Goodnite..;-)